Currently bestfriend-less. I’m not regretting that I stopped talking to her, but I do miss the old times we had….with the OLD her, not the person she is now. I guess 1st year of college or university can make people change for the worst. We used to think we would be best friends forever, but our relationship started going downhill once she started to gain more attention from her circle of friends. I know attention is fine, but there’s the healthy kind and the kind you get when you want people to think your life is more interesting than it is. I don’t know if many people can relate or can put up with this, but I can’t stand fake people. They are number 1 on my list of people that I can never truthfully associate myself with. Why couldn’t you stay real. Why did you have to turn so fucking two-faced around people. Why did you put the label “BEST FRIENDS” on a friendship that wasn’t even fucking exclusive. This started going downhill when she began lying about why she had to cancel plans with me—-and simply just covered them up with “My parents won’t let me/My parents said no.” You were starting to get less convincing when I had to call you the morning of our plans and you cancelled with lame excuses. You live 10 minutes away by bus. The truth is, she made all these lame excuses to cover up the fact that she was using that time to do her own stuff, like studying her courses (that we fucking took together) and making notes for her other courses. Why couldn’t you just simply tell me the truth? This was the point where we would have awkward moments the next school morning when we had French class together, where she would walk in with a smirk and I would purposefully ignore her. We would finally get to the point where we would talk but that awkwardness remained. Now, I get that NO FRIENDSHIP is perfect. But why would you put more effort and enthusiasm into meeting up with/making plans with other people (especially those that you actually told me you disliked) when you couldn’t make a Saturday night with me? Oh wait…they gave you that attention you were craving. Our study dates were constantly being cancelled, movie dates were cancelled, shopping dates were cancelled…and finally during the 2-week long Winter Break we got in Gr.12 I invited her to my New Year’s Party. I called her and she said she would “love to come”…except she didn’t have a ride. I told her that my mom offered to pick her up (now, this is a mere 5-7 minute ride) and her reply was “No….that’s weird”. OBVIOUSLY, she could not care less about hanging out with me and was continuing to use me selfishly (when she had a problem, she would call me and I would pick up immediately at any fucking time of day and help her out…..whereas when I tried contacting her one weekend, and she acted clueless and didn’t bother telling her dad why I would have called and she told me that her dad asked me not to call her anymore……LOL yep, isn’t that the exemplary behaviour of a best friend? So after that New Years’ Eve Party I started to ignore her. And then she Facebook messaged me that Break (when she knew I didn’t want to talk to her) to tell me that she received an acceptance to the University of Ottawa. Now I got the acceptance the same day too but I didn’t tell her because we weren’t talking that time. She took my lack of enthusiasm for her as an insult and said “Thanks for trying”. A little hypocritical? I THINK SO. She later told one of our mutual friends in our French class that I was jealous of her acceptance and I wasn’t happy for her….while she told her mom that the reason we stopped talking was because she didn’t come to the New Year’s Eve party…….
Okay, I think that was enough blogging today to let my frustrations out. But how the rest of the story goes is that she started talking to me about a week before my birthday that year (I had a strong hunch it was because she wanted to be invited to a party that I could possibly be having). Throughout planning she wasn’t very cordial and on the day of the party….well she took all the attention she can get. We couldn’t get to anything we planned because she wanted people to guess who her PAST crush was and she wanted to prank-call a girl she didn’t like (HER idea). The guests could only stay until 10 at the latest and we couldn’t get to the movie (that I was trying to transition to) until really late that night. We didn’t even end up finishing that movie. I didn’t even receive an apology for what she did, however she did message me the next day saying that I made her “feel like piece of crap” for ignoring her and that she was “sorry for making my birthday party special for me”. I started to ignore her at the party and she caught up it and we didn’t talk for 8 months….3 months into our first-year of university she messaged me on Facebook and told me that she missed me….with no apology. I told her I missed her too and we caught up. She messed it up again when she told me that brown guys only go for lighter-skinned girls (I’m a dark-skinned Sri Lankan girl) and tweeted one of her co-workers at Wonderland that by the end of the summer that they might look Sri-Lankan….in reply to the co-worker saying that she (my ex-bff) thought she was Sri-Lankan……..that was not cool and let me tell you, the OLD her would DEFINITELY not say anything like that. This was followed by a bunch of tweets complaining how dark she is getting (she is a light-skinned Indian girl), inferring that getting darker is the least desirable thing to happen to her. I tried to maintain my cool until she cancelled on a shopping trip and I realized at a sleepover we had shortly before then that she was her old self….but worse. She couldn’t even tell me the things she told our group of friends ahead of time when I asked or when we would Skype from residence (we go to different universities).
Now I know that this friendship she wanted back was not real and was most definitely not significant to her. I am really sad to admit that we still aren’t talking and I do miss her…the OLD her. Everything about her right now, her extreme weight loss, her foul comments, the way she acts around people we both know she doesn’t like….is just not the BFF I once knew. Unfortunately in life, you have to move on from chapters that are done and quit expecting that they will last forever. Because one of the greatest injustices we can do to ourselves is to constantly keep thinking that something is real when it is not, and it is actually hurting you to deny it. I have learned in the past few weeks of my life that you can’t make up for it when the person on the other side of the relationship has completely changed….forever. I have about 5 really really close friends right now, and talking to them helps me make up for this void I have in my life. However, one very important life lesson I learned is: you can’t have it all. Or the well-known phrase “you can’t have your cake and eat it” resonates well with how I learn. I realized that in order to move on and open new doors in my life, I would have to get rid of all expectations I have of her (even to this date) and close those doors in my life that were once wide open. Because sometimes in life, a door only opens when all your other doors are closed. And to get that door to open you need to take a chance and bring yourself to the point of being brave and fearless….for good things come to those who wait. So, I have decided today that I would finally stop having thoughts about us reconciling and overcome that fact that I am bestfriend-less….for now. Only then, will I be able to finally obtain inner peace and be completely honest with myself. Perhaps a door would open one day and I can gain a good friend again (or maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part LOL) but I know with all my heart that another opportunity that good can only come when I am completely ready to move on from my past….that is, when I close those doors that I deserve to have shut and never ever bother me again.
Don’t get me wrong, for a 19-year old second year university student I have other problems going on in my life, this blog is not just about my problems with my ex-BFF (I should really stop calling her that to close those doors), I have many other issues going on in my life. Being able to write these problems down on my own blog anonymously is very therapeutic. Twitter is almost as therapeutic…except everyone that follows you knows who are and can get a taste of your personal life.
I keep telling myself that I will get over this particular issue, and that I will overcome (and learn) from the hurt that this friendship has caused me….but the emotional scars that they have left me with….Was I not good enough? Was my life not interesting enough for her to hang out with me? Is it because I still look the same from high-school while everyone else has changed? Were our old times not significant enough for her as much as they were significant for me? Am I really that susceptible to being used?….these questions will forever remain and will always be a part of me, as this break-up is one of the hardest things that I will ever have to swallow and overcome. But I know one thing for sure, once I close these annoying pathways that these doors lead to, only good things and fortunate opportunities await for me. It kills me that I won’t be able to share these memories and milestones with her, but this is that one emotional hindrance that I will have to surpass in order for those new doors in my life to open. I will miss sharing these important stories with you, but I know there is someone else/some other people that can change that. And by change, I mean they will actually care wholeheartedly about me and be the friend that I was to you all these years.
I hope that this blog entry has helped those bloggers out there who carry any similar problems/emotional baggage that they might be struggling to overcome in their personal life. :)
To sum up this emotional blog entry, I’ll quote a Christina Perri song lyric that I can emotionally resonate with: ”You’re gonna catch a cold/ From the ice inside your soul/ So don’t come back for me/ Who do you think you are?/.
- Quote of the day: Be careful when you spit in the wind lest it comes back to you.